Friday, March 28, 2008

Ask Uncle Chap...

I often get asked for chappist advice onto the ways of life.
How can I be a better chap? If I am to behave like a true chap - how should I deal with the vagaries that life hurls at one's miserable existence?

Well, every now and then I get an e-mail from my chums asking for such advice - and so - in an occasion series - I shall answer the questions as well as I can.

Dear Uncle Chap,
Recently I found my self suffering a terrible hangover but in need of shaving my head. What ought I do to?

Dear Reader,
The possession of a hangover can be a sublime introduction to the day, as for that matter is the essentials of appropriate grooming.
Nothing quite sets you up for a day of spanking mammon than staring at one's phisog through blurry eyes, shattered nerves and the delightful edginess of far too many recreational pharmaceuticals.
The sparkle of hot water, the waft of steam and nose tingling sprightliness of fresh dettol assaulting the senses gives you a particular edge and helps you get through the mind numbing tedium of the Today programme.

However your note suggests that you intend to shave your own head. This is not to be recommended unless you find yourself somewhere in the Vietnamese jungle, using a piece of broken windscreen from your downed F4 whilst your loyal batman and navigator holds the heliograph to reflect your dashing yet wounded visage.

No. Should one require to have one's head shaved for reasons other than lice, sexual gratification or whilst they write 'traitor' in felt tip on your forehead - then it is not done to do it by your own hand. One should at the very least engage the services of a peripatetic Turkish barber, Romany tinker or former Nazi dentist to do the act.

My chief concern is that you mention none of these, so one can only assume you have had too much stout and still wish to appear like either an East German dissident or Member of ASLEF. None of these are an acceptable way to start the day.

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