Seven deadly sins (For a chap)

I have read recently that the Papists have updated the seven deadly sins from those that are really worthy - like gluttony, avarice, etc., into the latest neo-Marxist (green) hair shirted nannyisms - such as using plastic bags, driving a thirsty car or not using the orange bin - I have been moved to update them from a chappy point of view.

So - without further ado - the seven deadly sins of chappism - one that will get you struck off the list. (Not that one exists).

1. Working hard
No gentleman should work hard. If you are forced to work for a living then one should strive to skive.

2. Auto Fellatio
It may seem clever at the time, in the dead of night to be a human hedgehog - but no amount of brushing will take that taste away.

3. Sobriety
It is unfortunate that Calvinistic swine who run the show think that the country they have created is best viewed sober. Take it from me, Mr Hendricks and Tonic takes the edge off the badger-budget.

4. Trainers
Instead of Brogues? See 2.

5. Faecal Fibre checking.
One's free time is precious. If you feel the need to do this, then you ought to be practicing 2 instead.

6. GAP
Nay, nay and thrice nay. Whilst I approve of the global manufacturing policy, one will end up permanently looking like a character on Home and Away - not for the civilised.

7. Voting Labour.
Oh 'Things will only get better' will they? They didn't and they have cut your purse open. Don't feel so progressive now, do you. At best you deserve pity, or satirical derision. Ideally pilloried and horse whipped.