Friday, May 30, 2008

Trawling the Net





Claiming her 'find love, your money back' from Match.com.



Some of you know that a while a go Chap went 'net dating. It was pretty paltry clench, if you ask me.

One recalls that the vapidity of the things the 'gels 'put of there.


Is it the medium, one wonders? Or those driven to use it? There seems to be an ongoing air headed cheeriness of those that use this - the saccharine smile of the end of pier beauty queen transcribed into two hundred easy words.
If you are considering it - here's a handy primer to help you decipher the sinister wiles the phillies use to try and convince you that they are not desperate heifers who's clock has gone off:


Translation into chap in italics.


I'm an optimist

The pills have kicked in.




I like to treat my glass as half full

or I would cry





I love life!!

I'm desperately boring




I love my alone time!

I have three-alarm PMT



I enjoy everything life throws at me!

The most interesting part of my day is reading the Metro over someone's shoulder



I have a colourful character

I will cook your pets when you leave me



I love Yoga,

Every woman puts this in her profile - they will think I'm weird if I don't



And Pilates,

I have no life



And Keeping fit,

I really have no life


And going to the gym,
save me from the interminable boredom of my own company



And going out for coffee

I have no imagination to invent a lifestyle beyond last night's Sex in the City



I'm active in Politics,

I voted Labour last time and regret it now



I Love environmental issues,

I once signed up to Greenpeace at Glastonbury


I love live music

I listen to Chris Moyles



I love seeing my friends

to cry



I have a travel bug

I went to Australia once


I enjoy my food

I weigh 16 stone


I have a few extra pounds
I am the walrus


I enjoy a drink or two

I will drink lighter fluid


I'm a social smoker

Fag-ash Lil.


I don’t do recreational drugs
My face is on the Bolivian banknote


I'm considering children

I will use a turkey baster if you are not careful.




Any others from my readers?

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love Romance.
No flowers, no BJ

I love Romance
I watch far too much nauseating American television drama, and this defines my idea of how to enjoy the company of a man

I am very sociable
My friends told me to try this website in exasperation after the 17th consecutive hour of me moaning about not having a man

I am bubbly and extrovert
My friends told me to say this

I am bubbly and extrovert
There is not a single original thought in my dyed-blonde head, but that doesn't mean you'll ever have a hope of getting a word in edgeways

I have high emotional intelligence
There will be many many 'little chats' about 'us'. My friends told me to say this.

I am looking for a loving, stable relationship
Please submit 3 recent bank statements and financial liabilities with your application

My friends
Sister / Hairdresser / Mother / Sworn enemies / Magazine Columnists / Richard & Judy / friends

Harry Hook said...

Likes it doggie style… you’ll need something bigger than a Yorkshire Terrier on the first date.

No tongues… except for nagging.

No photo… you can’t be THAT lonely.

My sister will agree to a threesome… I’m after your passport.

Likes screaming and marking territory with urine... member of the Labour Party.

Likes licking strangers on the subway… vegetarian.

No identifying scars… Weighs 32 stone.

Great sense of humour… Lesbian.

Rabid Wonder Woman fan looking for someone in satin tights… Islamic Fundamentalist.

Bitter, unsuccessful middle aged loser... Hi, my name’s Gordon.

Seriously competitive computer gamer… Fat bastard.

Must enjoy open-air activities… suffers from flatulence.

Anonymous said...

No posts for 3 months?


Has the Northerner converted you?

Anonymous said...

I love sex.

Until we are married.